what have i become?

i'm feeling festive; with raya just around the corner. can't wait to just go back to where my life had started and meet some old faces with whom i grew up with.

i grew up knowing exactly none of what i will become; a rationalist with a bit sense of radical thinking and free will. i had hope that i can go back and be a free spirit; not govern by structures, news bulletin and framed by limitations to life's need for ringgit.

i had become this capitalist; not knowing what success is and how it could satisfy me. capitalism does not acknowledge success.

i met with 2 huge characters these past 3 days; micheal wiese and u wei shaari. 2 highly successful, award winning filmmakers and a free spirit. why would is say free spirited guys? Micheal in his opening speech, asked all of us, what is success? how do you picture your success? everybody was saying, when you have the money, when you win award, when you created a phenomenal format etc. then i said to him this: but micheal, capitalism does not acknowledge success. what a loser that i had become. he told us that success is your own fragment of craft; you can define success by making your dad happy, by eating well, by serving community. i need to cleanse myself from this sin of mine.

u wei shaari, an independent filmmaker, won many awards overseas, international recognition, but gets less attention back home. and he told me that he has not watched tv for the past 20 years! wow... now that is something. i cant stop thinking that he has this unpolluted mind, kept safely from the realm from social reality that we have created, far from being infected by corrupt news and the seduction of marketing lust. he is the kind of man of whom clearly dictates his own thinking and thus has become who he is today.

can i go back to the past, re look and re define my purpose in this tech driven world of which we have been chained by tv, media, ads, politics and social construction of reality? i doubt it but i'm hoping i can be the likes of micheal and u wei someday.

happy raya day.