what have i become?

i'm feeling festive; with raya just around the corner. can't wait to just go back to where my life had started and meet some old faces with whom i grew up with.

i grew up knowing exactly none of what i will become; a rationalist with a bit sense of radical thinking and free will. i had hope that i can go back and be a free spirit; not govern by structures, news bulletin and framed by limitations to life's need for ringgit.

i had become this capitalist; not knowing what success is and how it could satisfy me. capitalism does not acknowledge success.

i met with 2 huge characters these past 3 days; micheal wiese and u wei shaari. 2 highly successful, award winning filmmakers and a free spirit. why would is say free spirited guys? Micheal in his opening speech, asked all of us, what is success? how do you picture your success? everybody was saying, when you have the money, when you win award, when you created a phenomenal format etc. then i said to him this: but micheal, capitalism does not acknowledge success. what a loser that i had become. he told us that success is your own fragment of craft; you can define success by making your dad happy, by eating well, by serving community. i need to cleanse myself from this sin of mine.

u wei shaari, an independent filmmaker, won many awards overseas, international recognition, but gets less attention back home. and he told me that he has not watched tv for the past 20 years! wow... now that is something. i cant stop thinking that he has this unpolluted mind, kept safely from the realm from social reality that we have created, far from being infected by corrupt news and the seduction of marketing lust. he is the kind of man of whom clearly dictates his own thinking and thus has become who he is today.

can i go back to the past, re look and re define my purpose in this tech driven world of which we have been chained by tv, media, ads, politics and social construction of reality? i doubt it but i'm hoping i can be the likes of micheal and u wei someday.

happy raya day.

perseverence and hope

on the way to work this morning, i listen to linkin park.. in one of the song they say..

with hands held high into the sky so blue, as the ocean opens up to swallow you...

quite a simplistic lyrics but so much to tell in one sentence.

it quickly tells the story of mankind's struggle in this ever so judgemental world that we have created; man with hopes and dreams; thinking that there's so much to achieve and so many opportunity lies above them but as they slowly trying to reach for the sky, the real world eats them slowly, and all of a sudden when they realize it, its all too late to do anything.

there's that danger in all developing nation, people trying to balance out aspirations and realities. you try too hard, you'll get resentment and frustration, you don't try, you'll get left behind.

but then again, as napoleon says, victory belongs to the most persevering.

the science of music

music is drugs to me.

rythm and lyrics if both perfectly crafted, changes a man; internally, externally and shape the mood for the day.

i'd listen to guns and roses to hype and activate my active mode.

i'd listen to linkin park for some humanitarian feel and a sense of rebellious.

i'd listen to gary moore if i'm in blues mode.i'd feel like partying while listening to alicia keys or eminem.

i'd tune in to john mayor and jason mraz for some feel good music.

now i'm into gavin degraw; i feel like being myself and 'dont wanna be' someone else.

the science of music can be found by the rythm of our heart and the lyrics of our brain.

manzek

worst day

last week marked the worst day of my career life; i was given the news that i won't be getting the position that i have worked on for the past 1 and a half years. the best part is, that position will be given to someone least expected in the company. i shall not criticise on the replacement but rather the process in which they decides. the reason given; i'm not ready; i have the traits that needed for the position but im just not ready.

who ever is ready for something new? how woudl you know if someone is ready or not? its not the right question. the question should be is he well equipped with the knowledge to manage the new role given. nobody knows whether they are ready until they are given the chance to do it. chance is something that i only seek; a chance to state my claim and present my case. but that is also taken away from me.

it hurts me to the point of scarring my proverbial heart and it'll take time to mend it. but life goes on.i am a bad loser but im not a sulker. i love to prove people wrong and i'll do whatever it takes to achieve it sooner or later.

manzek

nilai mata dan jiwa

apabila kita melihat aspek kejayaan, kita melihat ianya dari satu sudut yang amat kecil; begitu kecil hinggakan kita hanya melihat satu aspek; pemimpinnya. pernahkah kita terfikir bahawa kejayaan yg sedia ada adalah hasil daripada satu mekanisma yg membantu pemimpin menjayakannya?

mekanisma boleh berasal dari pelbagai elemen; proses, intipati scenario, dan juga institusi kemanusiaan yg membantu si pemimpin mengecapi kejayaan itu. namun demikian, manusia sememangnya mudah dibutakan mata dan hati.

dibutakan melalui satu kuasa penyebab; jawatan , rupa dan pembawakan. semua yg disebutkan adalah lahir daripada realiti yang dibuat buat dan dihasilkan oleh teknologi media, suratkhabar, televisyen dan majalah.

Hasilnya, satu masyarakat global yang menilai sesuatu perkara melalui nilai mata dan bukannya nilai jiwa.apabila nilai mata dilihat lebih daripada kecantikan jiwa, apa yang berlaku adalah lahirnya golongan-golongan elit yang berpaksikan hipokrasi, penyebab utama keruntuhan institusi cendekiawan dalam sesuatu organisasi.

runtuhnya cendekiawan dalam organisasi, hilangnya akal didalam arus kehendak hati, akan menjadi titik tolak keruntuhan sistem yang menjadi tiang utama sesebuah organisasi.kebolehan berfikir secara efektif adalah teras berbanding kebolehan bergaya.

Manzek

simplicity

men are from mars, women.. err where do they come from? in relation to the chemistry between both species, universal truth is that men like to keep it simple and women likes to complicate things. now before we jump into any mode here lets be extremely frank with ourselves. how many times, for men, have we been asked to say i love you, miss you, etc etc and that you have never said i love you, and even if we've said it twice a week, they'll say it's not enough, you have to say it more often.... isn't the ring tells you something? isn't sacrificing futsals and teh tarik sessions with fellow car freaks sealed the deal? shesshhhhh. later...

budget

budget budget budget. time to do budgeting for next year; we did 3 years in advance but it's always once a year practise. prob its best that i start doing my personal budget more rigorously... kid on the way, just bought a house, its time to cramp up all my pockets and starts spending rationally. i am a rational person, but when it comes to money, i'm like a kid with kit kat in my hand, i'll make one hell of a mess but i'd enjoy every bit of it. i like to indulge myself on the things that i love; cars, movies, fashion. and these things aren't cheap. i used to drive an alfa romeo, a beautiful car; rugged, but very sensitive on the inside. i'll spend more time going to the mechanic than spending my time with my other half; she even suggested that i should name it. i did eventually, called it Bella. what a car. after i had come to my senses to actually sell it, i bought my self a car that is both reputable and reliable from japan of course and i thought that i'll be at peace and no more paying hommage to garage, smelling oil filters and stuffs, but no no no. now i'm into accessorising. you see, driving a japanese car around town is like window shopping with your wife; you'll end up buying something for her. arghh... dvd touchscreen...

trying to stay blogging.

i have been trying to stay blogging like the rest of the world for few times; hopefully this will be the last one. this latest decision is mainly to share my pov on issues that affecting myself, me and i on things relating to whatever it is; politics, relationships, cars, girls etc.so here goes.

Manzek